While I absolutely adore Florida’s 365 access to beaches and evergreen palm trees, reminiscing about my college days where I experienced New York City in the Fall often warms my heart. Columbia University, nestled on the Upper West Side, was a beautiful island of greenery in the midst of the city’s concrete jungle during the spring and summer months. But for me, the transformation of the campus as the tree leaves turned during autumn was nothing short of breathtaking. This season had a special place in my heart as it mirrored the personal journey of transformation I was embarking on as well.

Fall: A season of beauty and uncertainty

Fall reminded me that change was a natural part of life, bringing both beauty and uncertainty. As a teenager, I was the first in my family to attend an Ivy League university, and while I was determined to succeed, the uncertainty of the journey weighed on me heavily. Who would I become on the other side of this? Am I capable of being successful? Will I ever experience belonging in a society that feels it was not made for people like me? 

As midterms approached that first year, my days were marked by a growing number of sleepless nights: Between hours-long midnight conversations with my friends about adulting, to pulling all-nighters to finish papers and assignments, to tossing in bed for hours trying to get the existential questions caused by those same assignments and midnight conversations out of my head. 

Beauty of Self-Discovery

Amid the academic whirlwind and culture shock of the transition, there were moments when I found myself entranced by the beauty of the changing leaves, inspired by the changes I was undergoing within myself.  Diving deeper into my studies–ranging in topics from Philosophy to Neuroscience to Astronomy–led me to question my beliefs, my upbringing, and the world views I had inherited from my family of origin. Each new discovery was like a spark, lighting up my path to self-discovery.

Over time, I could feel with increasing clarity how those questions were putting me in closer contact with my true self–the part of me that defines who I truly am, outside of the expectations handed down to me by my family, culture, and society.  Much like the trees shedding their leaves, I was beginning to shed aspects of myself that were no longer essential, saving energy for my internal transformation that was to come.

As I stood there, gazing at the falling leaves, I wondered, did the trees feel the same about me as I did about the people in my life—a chorus of friends, family, and well-wishers celebrating my achievements but who were seemingly oblivious to the fear, isolation, and nagging doubt that haunted me on a daily basis.

Seasons of Uncertainty

Yet, amidst the stunning beauty of the Fall season, there were days where what the falling leaves mirrored most was my sense of falling apart. The growing pile of sleepless nights began to take its toll, and the first signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder crept in.

How long would this season of uncertainty last? Would the vibrant leaves of my spirit ever return?

As I stood there, gazing at the falling leaves, I wondered, did the trees feel the same about me as I did about the people in my life—a chorus of friends, family, and well-wishers celebrating my achievements but who were seemingly oblivious to the fear, isolation, and nagging doubt that haunted me on a daily basis. In some ways, each new accomplishment felt like a deeper and deeper wedge between feeling truly seen and understood by the people that loved me my whole life.

At the same time, no matter how much it seemed we were all going through it together, My Blackness and my poorness, and First generation-ness felt foreign, shameful, and less than fully accepted, even as I craved belonging among my Ivy league peers.

Trapped between worlds with one foot in each, I grappled with these questions alone: Would this relentless pursuit of success consume me? Would I remain an imposter, never truly embracing my authentic self, and never experiencing the pride of making my family, community, and culture proud? What if I doing all this ends up alienating my loved ones,  only to find that I will never truly belong in this new life I am for myself as well?

Going it Alone

As the first in my family to tread this uncharted path, I felt like I had to go through it all alone. Talking to family at home led me to feel guilty, but talking to new friends who didn’t quite understand my upbringing led me to feel ashamed. Again, as with other aspects of my life in that season, I felt perhaps only the trees of the fall season could truly understand. I was not so drained that I would give into winter’s call for unapologetic rest but I didn’t have the stamina or naivety to devote all my energy to fruitful progress like the summer harvest.

Trapped between worlds with one foot in each, I grappled with these questions alone: Would this relentless pursuit of success consume me? Would I remain an imposter, never truly embracing my authentic self, and never experiencing the pride of making my family, community, and culture proud? What if I doing all this ends up alienating my loved ones,  only to find that I will never truly belong in this new life I am for myself as well?

You’re Not Alone

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you’ve stood captivated by the beauty of transformation, the magic of your accomplishments, while also feeling like you were slowly fading away inside. You feel hungry and committed to creating a world that looks different, perhaps, safer, more secure, more abundant than the world in which you were raised and yet, the question remains, will it all be worth it in the end? Even worse, perhaps you feel trapped by your accomplishments, where the world can see your triumphs but remain blind to your internal struggles in ways that feel isolating.

If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Many of us have embarked on journeys filled with uncertainty, doubt, and fear, even when the world acknowledges our strength and resilience. Just as the seasons change, so do our lives, and sometimes, it’s okay not to see the path ahead clearly.

What I will say is that if you are struggling with similar internal questions and doubts that I was, Trust me when I tell you, these are questions best not to be explored all alone.  While I’m proud to say that I’m in a much better place than that first year of University. My journey to figuring it out took longer and was a lot harder because I didn’t always have the support, guidance and community I needed to navigate all the moving pieces of my Autumn season. Thankfully for you, you don’t have to do this alone.

Full circle through the Seasons

Reflecting on those challenging days at Columbia, I often wish I could reach back in time to reassure my younger self. I’d offer her a warm hug, a well-deserved nap, and the comfort of knowing that she would indeed get through the challenges she couldn’t fully grasp yet. ( I would also tell her that while, eating 2 of 3 meals per day from the vending machine to save time and money, is no way to live).

That version of me those years ago, had no way of knowing that the sleepless nights, existential questions, and yes, even the falling leaves on the upper west side were all conspiring with me to help develop the version of me that I am today. The questions that kept me up all night became the foundation for my love of psychology, human behavior, and neuroscience. The feelings of culture shock, my vending machine diet, and near chronic sleep deprivation helped ground me in the importance of understanding mental health disorders and what it takes to truly heal in the context of culture, community, and class-power dynamics. 

Conclusion

Although I didn’t have the terms back then, I was a cycle breaker in the making. Through therapy and other holistic wellness experiences, I was able to unlock the power of my story. Today, my story– and the stories of hundreds of clients my team and I have been able to help guide towards a similar path of empowerment–is the fuel that keeps me going.

Here at Healing Insight, we are committed to supporting the next generation of cycle breakers as they find their path and begin to make their own cycles of resiliency, growth, and intergenerational healing. Cycle Breakers, like us, face a multitude of emotional and cognitive hurdles to their ongoing wellness including barriers related to access, community, and resources. That’s why initiatives like our non-profit, “A Village That Heals,” are so vital.  Through our sister organizations, we provide the support, guidance, and resources needed for Cycle Breakers to thrive, emphasizing holistic mental health and community development along the way.

As we navigate the seasons of change in our lives, remember, you’re not alone in your journey. If you identify as a Cycle Breaker, consider the benefits of seeking support through therapy or wellness experiences. Take the first step towards healing by scheduling a free consultation with a member of our onboarding team. At Healing Insight Therapy and Wellness Collective, we accept insurance and offer sliding-scale options, ensuring accessibility for all.

Maybe you’ve been reading this and while this isn’t your story, you are thinking about someone you know and care about. I encourage you to share this article with that cycle breaker in your life. Continue to celebrate their successes with them but maybe also, let them know It’s okay to not know exactly how to navigate all challenges in this season,  It’s okay if you feel like you’re falling, and let them know they’re not alone.

Finally, with the change of the season, comes a  supportive reminder for all of us:

Embrace your journey, for it is in the ever-changing seasons of life that we discover our true selves.